I was in the car and driving down the street minding my business when i saw a lot of bulbs on the street but i ran them over. When i got to my house i went inside but my feet up and watched uk tv then suddenly it went dark and i saw a big person covered with a current of electricity he looked at me then shot a current at the tv and then i ran upstairs and hid in my bathroom but he followed me so i got my shower head and got him then he faded away.
Thursday, 31 August 2017
18 comments:
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Nice work I like the suspense you have made. Next time make sure your story makes sense
ReplyDeletegood story
ReplyDeleteGreat story Jordan!
ReplyDeleteNext time try putting more full stops in so it makes sense.
It was a bit confusing but I like how you used the words faded and current.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the way you used suspicion until it went to suddenly it went dark... maybe next time you could use more adjectives to describe the story.
ReplyDeleteCool story! I liked the way you thought outside of the box. Next time remember to make sure your story makes sense. eg: i went inside but my feet up. Overall a great story!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story! I especially liked the storyline and how you thought outside of the box. Maybe next time you could make sure that your story makes sense like (I went inside but my feet up. :)
ReplyDeleteGood Story Jordon, I just think that next time make it more sense by adding full stops. And use capital 'I' s
ReplyDeletegreat story Jordon.Next time just add more full stops.
ReplyDeleteNice work, next time you could use more grammar in places like 'I was in the car and driving down the street', because you didn't need the and. You could also use more capitals in words like I, UK and TV.
ReplyDeletenice Work Jordon but maybe make your sentences make sense for example:
ReplyDeleteI went inside but my feet up and watched uk tv
Great job! I liked the little details that you put in there!
ReplyDeleteNext time maybe you can add more full stops so it makes sense.
I liked your story, but try to make it make sense and add punctuation.
ReplyDeleteNice use of imagination Jordan. Like how you made a character with somewhat super powers putting more spice to the story. However there were some silly mistakes such as making your I's lower case (they should be upper case). Your sentences were also a little bit to long next time put more full stops in the story. To prevent all of these mistakes you should try proof reading your story, listening to yourself detecting mistakes such as above. Good luck for your next story!
ReplyDeleteGood story Jordon. But next time I think that you should use more describing words to describe the person. And make sure your story makes sense and add some more punctuation like 'I'm' has a capital 'I'
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story! I especially liked how you thought outside of the box. Maybe next time you could make sure that your story has a capital "I"s
ReplyDeleteNice work I like how you created suspense. Next time make sure your I's are like this I not this i.
ReplyDeleteNice story. I liked how you created suspense.
ReplyDeleteNext time maybe you could check your punctuation.