“Allan!! Allan!! Wake up you’re almost late for the train go now have breakfast on the train go Now!!” I scurried down stairs and got my morning cereal and rushed outside and ran my fastest to the train stop luckily I got there just in time and rushed on the train swiped my card and sat down in a seat. I got off the train and went to my office. Once I had got up to my office I sat down,then suddenly it went dark and I fell down the stairs and my body was shearing in pain and then Boom! Crash! nothing.
Monday, 28 August 2017
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I like how you talked about what happened before everything went dark, but you could make the adjectives make more sense, like instead of shearing in pain, searing with pain.
ReplyDeleteVery good story made me feel like I was in the story. It was a bit confusing tough.
ReplyDeleteGreat story Ashton. Really liked the way you used descriptive words and your story line made sense. Next time make sure you use your grammar correctly and have a space after your commas.
ReplyDelete- Rylee