Johnny and crew were on a mission to steal a million dollars from a bank so they planned it all out and The first thing that came to Johnny’s mind was that where would we hide it all. So they set off to the american national bank. They ran in and picked the lock to the volt that held the million dollars that they wanted. So they packed the bag full of money and ran out. As soon as they hoped in the car police pulled in front of them. So they hopped out the car with their hands on their heads.
Sunday 12 November 2017
3 comments:
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I enjoyed reading this because I could imagine this as a thriller movie, the bad thing is that your sentences don't make sense. Like at the start - Johnny and crew- doesn't make sense, "Johnny and the crew" does. The story was lacking commas through out the whole story. With additional capital letters in the middle of nowhere. They must of come from were they needed to be e.g. american national bank. Needs to be upper case. Spelling errors occurred as well "Hoped" should be "Hopped". In the last sentence it was a huge jumble of words, confusing me on what you were trying to say it should of been like this... As soon as they hopped in the car, police pulled in front of them, so they hopped out of the car with their hands on their heads. Proof reading is a solution to these mistakes, just hope next time you don't make the same.
ReplyDeleteI like that you have used an action theme, it makes for exciting writing. Be careful to avoid random capitalisation in the middle of a sentence.
ReplyDeleteWell done on your writing Lui.
ReplyDeleteIt isn’t easy to write a story in only 100 words but you managed very well.
I really like some of the things that happen in the story.
I agree with Brad dog above about proof reading. Mistakes with spellings and grammar can take away from your story and make it harder for the reader to enjoy your story.
Looking forward to reading your writing in the future.
Keep up the good work !
Shane, Teacher
Dublin, Ireland
(Team 100)