One day there was a man named Jim. Jim loved to walk through the city of New York. But one day while he was walking to work everyone went transparent so he thought everyone was a ghost so he ran around screaming like a headless chicken. Which led everyone to think he was crazy so someone called the police and said their is a crazy man running around. So the police caught Jim and chucked him in a mental asylum. But Jim knew he wasn’t crazy so he decided to plot his escape which he planned for later that week.
Sunday 5 November 2017
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I liked the way you described Jim's actions.
ReplyDeleteNext time you could add more commas and full stops to your sentences.
I liked your story Max. Maybe next time have more complicated sentences with interesting words.
ReplyDeleteClever use of words Max saying City of New York instead of New York City. There was also a lot of random activity going on in that story, next use a more interesting start for the story thats the only down fall for the story! I'm sure you can fix that up in your next one.
ReplyDeleteI liked how Jim saw in the story, maybe next time more interesting words.
ReplyDeleteI liked your story line and how you made it into him thinking he saw ghosts.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story! I especially liked the storyline and how you use heaps describing words to really hook the reader in. to make a good story. Maybe next time you could add more commas and full stops.
ReplyDeleteGood Story, I quiet liked your simile to describe how Jim was running around, ' running around like a headless chicken'. I think you didn't use any describing words to describe the transparent. Where did they come from? How did they get there? How suddenly one day did they turn up? Also when you are saying that there is something somewhere then you use 'there' not 'their'.
ReplyDeleteI really liked Jim's character.
ReplyDeletenext time you could check your punctuation.