One night we celebrated my birthday. Then suddenly we saw a flame on the corner of the white table cloth. We ran outside to call the emergency services but they said due to the long waiting list that we would have to call again tomorrow. We kept trying and trying frantically trying to get a hold of someone to help when suddenly w heard a loud bang. It was the gas pump just after the loud bang the wooden house caught on fire. My mother dropped to her knees and started to cry as the house fell bit by bit.
Wednesday, 1 November 2017
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Good job i liked how you included short and long sentences. Next time make sure you proof read properly because you had a few mistakes like when suddenly w heard a l
ReplyDeleteI really liked when the house caught on fire because it was a bit of drama. Perhaps next time you could look out for your like We kept trying and trying frantically trying to get a hold of someone to help when suddenly w heard a loud bang.
ReplyDeleteI liked the story Lui.Just remember to finish words so after you have wrote your 100WC make sure to double check it e.g W
ReplyDeleteI liked the way you used words like frantically to make it more interesting. next time you could try adding in similes or metaphors.
ReplyDeleteGreat job lui but I'm abit confused about the part where you say "suddenly w heard a loud bang". But apart from that great job.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you added something funny into a kinda serious story. ' they said due to the long waiting list that we would have to call again tomorrow.'
ReplyDeleteMaybe try to put some more punctuation into your story.
WOW! Lui loved your dramatic ending.
ReplyDeleteNext time maybe you could proofread before you post, to help get rid of silly mistakes.