Tuesday 31 October 2017
Sam 100WC T4 W3
As my feet hit the crystal clear water of our swimming pool I look over to my big sister in her pretty white dress, she is turning 16 today so we are having a pool party to celebrate. She has always been the favourite daughter. She got 3 dolls for her 5th birthday I got 1, she got a real pony for her 10th birthday and I got a plastic one. As everybody sings her happy birthday she blows out the flame of her candle I get a rush of jealousy. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is when I will get my revenge......
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I really like the story at the types of sentences. Maybe next time connect your first sentence a bit better to your story.
ReplyDeleteGood Story! I liked how you told us a little bit about the older sister's personality. And some examples of how the narrator's parents like the older sister better than her. And I also like how you created suspense as to what happens next. Maybe next time you could try to hook the reader in the story so they want to read the rest of it.
ReplyDeleteHi Sam,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds very unfair how much better the older sister is treated! I'm curious to know what the revenge could be. I hope it's nothing too bad. Your use of examples is great for creating a backstory and the ending is really effective, as it's gripping and builds tension. Maybe in the longer sentences try and add some more punctuation to make them flow more.
Thanks for taking part in 100WC this week.
Hannah (Team 100) -Birmingham, UK