Miss Talented
Hello! Everybody it’s your host jimmy carson and we are back with the miss talented beauty contest of california. We’ve had performances, interviews, modeling and individual speeches. Tonight all of our girls do the choreographed dance and singing performance and don’t forget the five finalists will be announced. Here at miss talented we aren’t same old smile and wave, average contest, we have flame dancing, synchronized swimming, gymnastic routines, karate, Modeling, and the most beautiful white gowns you’ve ever seen! And that is not all. Coming up tomorrow we have the final show and that means announcing next miss talented!
Nice story. Next time you write use capital letters for Proper nouns and using them in the right places.
ReplyDeleteWhat a clever way of using the 5 words,I especially like the idea of flame dancing ! You have a lovely,fluent way of writing .
ReplyDeleteCarol,
Team100wc
England
What a clever way of using the 5 words,I especially like the idea of flame dancing ! You have a lovely,fluent way of writing .
ReplyDeleteCarol,
Team100wc
England
Nice work. Liked the way you made up "flame dancing" and the story had a nice flow to it. Perhaps next time you could use more descriptive words to hook the reader in a little more.\
ReplyDelete- Rylee
Dear Rosie, I think this a very exciting and clever piece of writing. I think there are a few points to improve. Use speech marks ".." for the whole paragraph, as Jimmy Carson is speaking to the reader. A second point, be sure to capitalise 'Jimmy Carson' as this is a name. Also, don't start sentences with 'and' and careful to avoid random capitalisation in the middle of sentences; for example, 'Modelling'. Some other things, you said "we've had". So the issue with this is that 'we've' means we have, so you don't need to use the had. Rosie, your work is very promising- a good habit to get into would be to look over your work. The more writing and feedback you do the better you will get! I think the structure of your piece could do, all good writers have a few drafts before they reach perfection. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteNice story I kid how you set up a script as a piece of writing, but capital letters were missing in the script! “ Jimmy Carson” and “California”
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story line.
ReplyDeleteNext time check punctuation such as commas and capitals.