There once was a man named Frank who celebrated every day for being alive. One day while Frank was swimming when he passed out in the pool in his mind he thought he wouldn't see tomorrow. But when he woke up all he saw was white and nothing else so he started yelling for help. When Frank’s vision came back he realized where he was he was in the hospital and when he looked out the window all he saw was a giant flame on someone's house then he relisied it was his house so he jumped to the rescue.
Tuesday, 31 October 2017
5 comments:
I really liked . . . because . . .
I really liked the way you . . .
I enjoyed reading this because . . .
It was especially good when you . . . because . . .
I think you need to . . . because . . .
Next time you write . . .
Think about adding . . .
Have you thought about . . .
To improve your . . . try . . .
Perhaps you could . . .
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Good Job I liked how you had an unexpected ending. Next time make sure you story makes sense eg: was swimming when he passed
ReplyDeleteNice story! I found it interesting to read as it was different to everyone elses.
ReplyDeleteCheck your punctuation ' he realized where he was he was in the hospital'
I loved the story Max but maybe think about some of your sentences like "one day while Frank was swimming when he passed out". otherwise good job :P
ReplyDeleteI like the way you made the story line really interesting. Next time you could make sure all your sentences make sense, because 'One day while Frank was swimming when he passed out in the pool in his mind he thought he wouldn't see tomorrow' doesn't really make sense.
ReplyDeleteGreat job Max but maybe next time use some more interesting words for the sentence
ReplyDelete"one day while Frank was swimming when he passed out".