On the twenty first of october the Jacobson family were having their daily family bonding experience. The one today was hide and seek. Jack (the dad) was in and he counted for 30 seconds then set off to find them. The youngest daughter Julie went off into the bush and hid in a tree. Her shoe got caught a thick branch and as she bent down to pick it up she felt her back foot slipping. As soon as she went to grab a hold of the branch above her. Her foot gave way. Then it suddenly went dark in her eyes.
Wednesday 25 October 2017
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I like how you made it a nice story instead of a scary one like most of them this week. Next time think about your capitals.
ReplyDeleteGood Story Lui, I like how you used a different approach to the sentence. But where is the sentence of the week 'as the door slammed I knew'? I think that next time use one type of numbers. If you write the numbers in words, then write all the other numbers in the story as words. And also October needs a capital 'O'
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story! I especially liked how you linked your ideas together to make a great story. Maybe next time you could make sure names of things have capital letters like (e.g. October need to be a capital)
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